Dreaming is the best escape

Problematic

This is the second week of my internship. I still kept making mistakes, again and again. Those mistakes, to be honest, are avoidable. I feel like a dumb. I’ve had asked lots of questions to the staff nurses, even if the questions are common sense and obvious. But that’s because I feel insecure and so afraid of making mistakes. I hope someone, or rather they, would know my situation. I’m a temporary clinical assistant. For god’s sake, I’m not here because I wish to come here but the reason that I’m here is because I don’t want to give up my fyp team. It’s only just been 2 weeks, and I feel like leaving this place. This place, i’ve known, is the place that I feel my existence is redundant.

Wish List

• Passes all the exams with flying colour
• Enrolls and graduates from Yale University 
• Becomes a doctor or lecturer
• Learn Italian, French and Spanish
• Learn shadowboxing and surfing
• Own a farm in Australia after retired
• Be my parents’ daughter and my siblings’ sister again in next life.  

If I die now, I won’t even have a chance to try fulfilling all these wishes, and I don’t even have a chance to make these wishes during birthday every year.

Pride

Coming to the end of the another semester, I think it’s time to reflect on what I’d done for the past weeks. There are so many questions I wanted to ask myself. But I’m gonna save it because if I lift the questions, there will be much more surfacing.

In this semester, I’ve had been so slacked, unmotivated and undetermined. I don’t want to badmouth the school always, because I’m none any better. Another year, I’ll be graduating from RP, and will be out hunting for job. I need a bounce-back,  bringing me back to the original me or beyond. That’s what I’m going to do currently. Step by step doesn’t matter, as long I reach the top. 

Like I’d always say, pride is the greatest of the 7 sins of humans. I took too much pride, and when I failed, I fell hard. Going back would be difficult. Imagine you were climbing a mountain, and on the halfway, you tripped and fell.  When you recovered from the injuries, you were back and started to climb. Soon, you realized climbing back is much difficult than falling to ground. This is what I felt. And now, instead of climbing to the part of the mountain where I fell from, I’ll be climbing to the mountain top.

I’m not going to ask myself how I am going to accomplish. I’m going to ask myself what I want to accomplish. I believe that if one day, I know what I want for my life, I will achieve, someday.

Every worthwhile accomplishment, big or little, has its stages of drudgery and triumph; a beginning, a struggle and a victory.” Ghandi

At 18 

Recently, I’ve become kind of disliking to message people. I am tired of wanting people. I want to be wanted by someone. Someone who understands me and I can talk to. This person can be anyone, friend or even acquaintance, as long as we know when we talk, the other party would open his/her ears and listen to what we talk. I just need a listening ear and better a soul mate.  That’s all it matters.

I feel happy to know that I’ve grown up. I know exactly what I am, and am comfortable with it.  In my life, I’ve made a lots of wild guesses. Words that I’ve used that most are probably ‘Maybe’ and ‘Perhaps’. 

Maybe I’m still contemplating how my life would be like in the future; after all there’s still a long journey for me to travel, and in this journey there are many critical decisions to be made.

Maybe I am still complaining about everything around me, but it’s my own way to release my dissatisfaction and unhappiness.  I don’t need critiques and any judgment for it.